The first one, that is actually going to miss. She ducks out of the way and begins crawling across the ground as it goes for a second attack. That, however, does hit, it's a 16. That'll do it. So with eight points of bludgeoning damage, it reaches down and slams its fist into her chest, and as it does, she gives out this horrible yelp as it rips into her and begins gnawing into her flesh and pulls away with a mouthful of it and stands up, its eyes scanning the room for the next possible victim. It's going to begin to stalk forward, coming up to that guy play here.
All right, Yasha, your turn. ASHLEY: Okay. How close am I to them-- I want to give them their weapons. MATT: You're right there.
You'd have to-- You're pretty close to everybody. You could distribute-- you could use your action to toss the weapons out to everybody this turn, I'll say. ASHLEY: Okay. I'll pass my weapons out this turn.
MATT: Okay, so you'll spend your action throwing them out to the individuals. So your shortsword and crossbow clatter to the ground, and you quickly scramble to grab them. Caleb's dagger falls at his foot.
Your staff gets tossed quickly from behind you. Your falchion meets your arm. SAM and MARISHA: Falchion. MATT: All right.
That ends Yasha's turn. Fjord, you're up. TRAVIS: Can I run up with the falchion within melee? MATT: You actually rush through Jester's form. You watch the image dissipate as you charge through it and meet up, face-to-face, with this large, gnarled, horrible-looking creature. What are you doing?
TRAVIS: Ripping the falchion, can I swing it into the creature? MATT: You may. LAURA: And you get advantage. TRAVIS: I do?
Thank god, because that was a one. 18. MATT: 18 hits.
Go ahead and roll damage. TRAVIS: Nice. SAM: It's a real fight! MATT: Yeah.
TRAVIS: 11. SAM: We've got like a dozen hit points, we'll be okay. MATT: All righty. That ends your turn?
All right, you're done. That brings us to Caleb. LIAM: I would like to use my movement to push as far into the crowd as I can.
MATT: Okay, going through the crowd is-- LIAM: Half-movement? That's fine, sure. I just want people in front of me.
MATT: Push through to about there. You end up pushing a kid out of the way. LIAM: That's great. That's exactly fine with me and I will pull out the diamond and cast Chromatic Orb, and I will send a ball of cold at the creature that Fee-ord-- Fjord-- MATT: All right, go ahead and make a spell attack. LIAM: Yes, here it comes. SAM: Watch out for Fee-ord.
(laughter) LIAM: My goodness. That is a 17. MATT: 17 hits.
Go ahead and roll damage. LAURA: Isn't Chromatic Orb like a really strong spell? LIAM: No.
MATT: There's Prismatic Spray. Chromatic is the starter version. LIAM: That is nine.
ALL: Nein! MATT: (German accent) All right, very well done, Caleb. LIAM: (thicker German accent) Now is the part where we dance. MATT: So as you push the child out of the way, turn, putting your pocketed diamond out in front of you, you focus and you watch as this beam of light blue energy streaks past, just barely coasting between a few heads.
It slams into this creature, as crystals form where the wound and impact was. It cracks back into place where it was. End of your turn? All right.
Nott, you're up. SAM: Okay. Having seen the beautiful dwarven-- girl, was it? Who sang and soothed a monster earlier in the show, I'm going to attempt to sing and soothe this monster.
So I step forward and I open my mouth, and I sing, (singing badly) And I will always soothe you! LAURA: Can I shoot an arrow at Nott? LIAM: He's killing the memory of Scanlan. MARISHA: I know, can't let that go. MATT: Make a performance check. SAM: Performance check.
Ooh, it's really good. 18, minus three, so that's 15. MATT: Okay.
As you're singing out this discordant sound, folks nearby are covering their ears and glancing back and looking in surprise at this strange creature giving off this-- SAM: Does it die? MATT: No. However, it now, after taking a few hits nearby, its red eyes-- or at least one red eye slips over to look in your direction. That's as much of an effect. SAM: Fuck!
(laughter) MATT: Do you want to move, or are you going to stay there? SAM: Yes, I'm going to move, and I'm going to dash behind somebody in the crowd, some weak-looking individual. MATT: Okay. You can get behind there. Okay.
All right, that ends your turn? LIAM: That's our M.O., baby! MATT: Beau, you're up. MARISHA: Oh shit, okay. To RP my tragic one on the first fucking battle a little bit, I'll turn to everybody and go, guys, no, it's part of the show. Molly said that people die.
She was just a claque. Okay. And then I run and I'm going to tackle the zombie guy. Can I see if I can grapple him? MATT: You can certainly, on the first attack. Go for it.
Make an athletics check. MARISHA: Just straight athletics. Oh god.
Do I keep that? It's not good. (laughter) MARISHA: Seven. MATT: 17. You attempt with your first strike, and the creature just breaks away. Its strength is far more than you imagined it would be from what was originally an elderly-looking frame.
MARISHA: I go, oh, fuck that. I don't know if that's true, and I'm going to do a flurry of blows and do two, pop-pop. That's unarmed, right?
Pop-pop. MATT: That is correct. MARISHA: I do two, right? MATT: Yes, if you're using your ki point to do that, yes. MARISHA: Yes, I am.
So first one, it's plus six? Okay. First one is 19.
Do you know what "hitting him" looks like? You're supposed to- you're supposed to actually hit him! Okay, ya fucking bendy hose! Okay, that actually works out. I wanted to be back in the middle, okay.
Okay, get away from that. I feel like I'm doing okay. Oh god what do I hit on you? Oh fuck, your tail? WHAT? Oh shit, oh shit.
Oh shit! Okay, okay, FUCK YOU! *random noises of loss* Okay, I have an idea. First off, And secondly, *Ash Ketchum mode activated* It's time to Ash Ketchum this shit! Weeeew, come on, Mr. Eyeballs! What are you gonna do with all those eyeballs?
Nobody needs that many eyeballs. O-Oh, oh wait that's fine. Hitting me back that direction is "hey-okey-dokey"! Where are we going, where we going? Fuck you!
FUCK YOU! Ah, these things! I forgot I had to do this section.
Okay, okay, okay, just kill him. Just kill him! Just kill him dead! Just- Just kills things dead! And if you kill things dead, nice! No!
I don't wanna be over this side! MOM! Alright, alright, alright, alright! Just keep your head on a swivel there, Jackaroo!
If you do that good things will happen! Okay, watch the flames, watch the fire in the flames. What's- what's the Dragonforce?
Whoa whoa, SALLY! OH SALLY! (Sally Stageplay?) Ain't gettin' me with them bones! NOOOOO!!
How close, how close? Don't tell me! Don't tell me like this! *sounds of Jack losing some heat* "What a glorious night for me to bring the fright!" Fuck you train!
No one even likes you, everyone prefers the bus! They don't, really. Busses fucking suck. (sounds reasonable) Okay, here we go. Fuck yooooouuuu!
This actually works out, this works out great! This works out great. I like this!
Kill him, kill him, oh kill him! Kill him- noooo! You HONGO BONGO! Oh, you fastidious rectum! Okay, which direction are you coming from?
Which- which one- who wants to go first? Oh, you- you mister sir? Okay!
Aaah! Oooooh, I hate this! Your brother is dead! Just give up! I would like to file a complaint! "Sorry!
This train is only for the dead... but we can help you with that." Hey, okay! Feeling go- what's up my man? What is up, my dude? I've got two hits and I've got a super!
Are you ready for them? Oh-oh? Uh-oh?
Seems like Jack IS READY TO FUCK YOUR SHIT! Here we go, here we go. Yes. Yes, yes all of this!
All of this and again and again with all of this! Oh my god, there's fucking so much on screen. I don't know what's happening. Come on. Come on! Give me that knockout!
GIMME THAT KNOCKOUT! THERE WE GO! That's a sad train, and I am on my way to Palookaville! Oh, feels good, feels great man.
That was not that hard. That was actually pretty easy. (are you sure?) Wheew! Feeling good about that one! Whew, A-!
That felt good, oh my ass is rock solid right now! Ding-ding choo-choo, Let me through, goodbye to you! Alright, we're moving on to King Dice! Get- uhh, worried about this one, uhmmm. Eh, charge shot maybe?
"Inkwell Hell". *gets worried* So I have to fight King Dice before I fight the Devil, right? Oh! Oh, bad! Oh, that's a bad sign! King Dice- there's only regular, and I think that's why you're not able to get this far unless you get all the regular... contracts.
But it's bullshit, but you know what? We're in it. We did it. "Well lookee here.
You actually pulled it off... but you've made me lose a bet! And for that, you ain't seein' the boss just yet. We're gonna play a little game first!" Is that game called "put a gun in your mouth and die"?
Oh god, what? WHAT- oh, oooooh I have to pick! Oh okay, so- oh my god, look how many bosses I have to fight!
Okay, so I want a 1. 1, 1, 1, 1! So I fight a boss, but I get my health up, right? Ah okay! 'Cause I- I heard some people talk a bit about this, but it never really made sense until I've seen it. Oh Christ!
Oh a little septiceye! :D Oh god! I don't like this! Oooh, fuckaloo!
Fuckaloo-la! Fuck-a-loo-la-ley! *many "oh" noises* I like to restart the whole thing over again.
*inconclusive laughter* Well! Okay, we're gonna be here all day folks! Strap on your big-boy strap ons! Okay. I'm gonna get a 3 this time, 3, 3, 3! There we go.
Because you can't get a 4... okay, and each of these are different bosses. Hi sir! Oh god! Oh god! Oh god, what's happening?
Oh Jesus! I've played enough of your fucking friends to know what shit is going on here, buddy boy! AAAAHHH, shite! Fuck this garbage! Oh, and I had FOUR health! Oh, that would've been so good going into the final phase!
Final phases*! I can get more health back though, right? Okay, I have to get a 2 then, oh crap. 2, 2, 2, 2!
Not 2, 3! I can't count! Oooh, oh Nellie! (is this a friend of this "Sally" you spoke of?) Oh god I'm fighting a domino?
*WAPOOSH* Top of the morning to ya laddies! My name is Jacksepticeye and have you ever been scared of a video game? And I don't mean scared in the sense of like "I'm playing Amnesia or I'm playing some other horror game", I mean scared in the fact that you don't know what's gonna happen when you start this thing. I don't know what will happen, I might have to murder a child after I've played this.
We never ever know if it's ever gonna resort to that. So I got up to fight a train... And then right after that is uhmm Uhhhhh - Mr. King Dice! Mr. King Dick, ha!
Got 'em! Erhhm, right, I don't know - I've seen the train before but I don't know the phases. I don't know what actually do.
(?) Oh shit, what shots did I equip?! Aah, hi!
He's cuuute! Uhm apparently I have no shots equipped. ah fuck I AAAAAH, FUCK! I forgot I'm recording on my new PC, so all the buttons are ruff-reset...
I was shootin' and nothing was happening. *chuckles* ALRIGHT, round two, fucko! Oh god, I have that equipped. I can shoot your eyeballs! Eh that's- that's not that bad!
OOOOOOOOOHHHH Oh, the train moves! I get it! Nice, okay, so I can stop those from coming out, okay! I've got your number, Mr. Ghosty Goo! Okay, don't fuck it up.
Don't- FUCK! I fucked it up! Okay, okay. What is the bad of you?
Ooooh god! *shrieks* Don't kill me! Is that gonna kill me?! Ooooh, I just survived! Nooo-ooo-ooo I don't know what happening!
D: AAAAHH, FUCK! Damnit! Okay, this is gonna- I almost got halfway by being a sucko. I wanna have to change my shots. 'Cause this might not go that well. MHHHMM THE WORLD OR MY OYSTER CAKE!
(what in the...?) Fucking eyeballs! Get an' outta here with my eyeballs! Don't you dare move my train!
This is my train, and we're staying in it! So can I actually attack this fucking pumpkin? Haha, I can! Okay, not so bad.
I don't know where to be for this. Definitely not there! Okay, fuck you! Aaaah, this is scary, I don't like this!
D: FUCK YOU! CHRIII-IIII-IIST! Okay, this is gonna take some getting used to. Fuck you!
At least that's building "le super" and that is super! Okay, don't fucking move me. Don't- don't you- But it's hard to do this because he constantly wants to hit me as well! Where are we going? Where are we going?
That's- that's bad, okay. I'm safe here. I'm safe here!
*triumphant laughter* *Jack's Cuphead war cry while the conductor peeks behind him* Okay, I'm safe here! This is good. This is good for me. This is good for me! I'm still safe here. YEAH!
Take that and rewind it back! Okay, what's up next? What's up next? What are you doing? What- what is this?
Oh Christ. Oh god. What are you? What are you things? OH GOD, OH GOD!
MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE! Okay, fuck OFF Mr. Ghost! Who's doing it next? Okay, okay, I can't get away!
I can- I just- I can't do it! Did I kill him? I fucking killed him! Nice!
That means I have only this side to worry about! This- this is- this is good, right? I have a feeling that this is good. I'm not even hitting him! That's not hitting him!